Thursday, March 19, 2009

Culinary Calamity

Unless you're a first-time visitor, you know that I've been hosting an insidious, quite irritating critter inside my sinus cavity for what seems like longer than the Canadian winter. After the critter's original all-night burn-the-candle-at-both-ends frat party in my chest, I found out that his name is Horace and he likes it where he is inside my membranes. I tried to throw him out on his bum. I did NOT invite him up to my sinuses. I did not! But there, in the morning, I found that he and his noisome, repugnant buddies who stick together like glue, some might say snot, had taken up residence. They refuse to budge no matter the extreme eviction measures I have taken. So, if I have to be stuck inside the house, I might as well BAKE!

What to make? Well, the bananas are in rougher shape than the zucchini - black is not a shade that suits them so, I went with chocolate chip banana nut bread. Chocolate chips always have an edge. It started out innocuously enough.... some batter...some banana...

But things went very wrong on the way to banana nirvana.... here's how it went down:

All the labels in Canada are printed in French/English and most cooks would read the instructions in their native tongue.
Mais moi? Non. Ok, that's an excuse. Really I just wasn't paying attention. Instead of un tasse .. I put in deux - double the water needed so I was left with soup o'muffins. And since I don't have a real mixing bowl, the under-sized one I use was very full with just half the load of batter, (Note to self: Stop thinking about getting a BIGger bowl and buy one!) I had to glop the extra in a ziplock bag and mix it by squishing the bag together. But it did make it more fun in the end 'cause I got to lick the BAG instead of a paltry beater. Mon dieu - what a mess!
Finally, though, here are the muffins tins prepped and ready to go into the preheated oven and then it will be Muffin Mania! In they go! Whuuuuuut....??? the oven isn't heating! ????
I pull out the oven manual.. read it IN ENGLISH front to back. There's no section in there about "What if your oven won't heat?" There's stuff about Sabbath Mode, Convection Mode, Dialectical Reasoning Mode, but nothing about HEATING STUFF UP MODE! I read it in German, Italian, Chinese....ok...I didn't do that, but I did read it cover to cover and then pushed every single button. I flipped the circuit breaker. I drank a glass of port.. medicinal value. I sat down, scratched my head, stood on my head, and then called the manufacturer. And the nice young lady said, in effect, "Just sit all day long in your house on Monday, (4 days from now) waiting for our dude to show up near dinnertime.. and never fear, we'll charge you by the precious second to press one button that we could have told you about over the phone."
But that's Monday, so how about my muffins that are ready to be baked now? Should I make them into pancakes and cook them on a griddle? Should I just eat them raw by the spoonful? (wouldn't be the first time... )

But then, my foggy vicksed-up brain thought, I don't need a gunked-up stomach on top of a gunky head. Who in this downtown condo has a working oven and is also home during the day? BONNIE! I phoned. Bonnie answered. Hallelujah! We trotted, we two, in our sock feet with the tins up to her floor and while the muffins were cooking merrily away...we fixed all the world's problems over tea. A friendship is born! Now.. if only my "friend" Horace will pack up his friends and go!

1 comment:

Canadian Mum said...

OK sicko... send those snotty and snooty boys a packin' cause you got some packin' of your own to do and you can't get it done with friends... or enemies! Give that oven a rest and blast across the pond to fun, frolic, fiestas and no being sick! You are in drastic need of a change when you are into blogging about this stuff! Let us help you out.. Au revoir. A bientot!